like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
