I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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