I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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