if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
