Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
