I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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