i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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