he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I wish there were birth control emojis
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
