we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
