Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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