so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize