the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
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he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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