just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Need sex. Gaining weight.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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