When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize