it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
