my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
