chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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