Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
