I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
