Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
