My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
