Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize