I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
