At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You smell like stripper and shame
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
