last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
