just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
