I love black thongs
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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