I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
