The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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