he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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