I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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