I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
