I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
