I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I think I just sharted jello shots
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