Moan for me like Helen Keller
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
