I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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