I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
