I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize