i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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