Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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