Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
