I wanna passion pit in your ass
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
