either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
