I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
