Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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