Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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