I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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