turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
