U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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