My sheets look like a crime scene.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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