I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
