Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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