I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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