his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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