my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
