Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
