i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
